It's a Journey

Never in a million years did I think my name would be associated with the term "infertility" and "IVF". But this is the path that God has taken my husband and I down, and I accepted that.
After struggling to conceive and suffering a miscarriage earlier this year (before even knowing for a fact that I was pregnant), we made the decision to contact CNY Fertility Clinic in Syracuse, NY.  Dr. Kiltz comes highly recommended, and is nearly impossible to get in with, unless you're willing to book out 6 months or more. But I made the call, and low and behold, was scheduled for a consultation 3 weeks down the road. Sweet. I went into the clinic, sat down with the pros, and discussed what was going on. Based on what I told them, IVF was the suggested route that was recommended to us. Not shocking. I had a feeling that was coming. So I agreed to proceed, had some blood work done, an initial ultrasound. Everything looked perfect. Blood was great, ultrasound scan showed nothing of concern. I was told to call on the first day of my next cycle, and I would be scheduled for some more exams and procedures to check out the workings and mechanics of my lady organs. Alright..... intimidating. But with anesthesia, I can do anything!! So I went home, and I waited. And waited. And waited for the first day of my cycle. And the it came. For the first time ever, I was excited to get my period. It meant that the process to have a warm, healthy, beautiful baby in my arms was starting. So I called and went in the following week for a dye test and saline ultrasound to make sure my tubes, ovaries, and uterus were good to go, and there were no problems. Again, everything came back perfect. No concern at all. I was elated, as I was sure they were going to find something in there that'd been preventing me from getting pregnant. Again, I was sent home, and told to call on the first day of my next cycle. Stimming was about to begin........ for those of you who aren't sure of what the means, it's basically injecting yourself daily with hormones and meds to promote egg production in your follicles. Generally, for about 10-12 days, every evening, you subcutaneously inject yourself in hopes that you will produce a good number of mature eggs that they can harvest, to use in embryo creation. And it SUCKS. Big time. By the time you're done with the cycle of meds. you feel like your humungous ovaries are going to fall right out of your body with every step that you take. But at the same time, you're full of hope, because that means that you're creating exactly what is needed to have that baby that your heart and arms are aching for. So I did it. I went through it. I dealt with the discomfort. Ans BOOM. 21 eggs, 18 mature. Out of those 18, we had 7 beautiful embabies created at the Embryology Lab in Syracuse. I was full of so much hope, and so much excitement. I responded too well, however, to my cycle stemming meds and ended up with what is called OHSS. Basically overstimulation of my ovaries causing a surge of hormones. Can we talk about PAIN for a second? I honestly thought for a little while there that I was going to die after my egg retrieval was over. This in turn made me ineligible to do a fresh embryo transfer, and had to wait until my body went back down to normal before we could proceed. I was fine with that, as I had been through so much, I really did need a little bit of a break. So again, I was told that when I was ready, to call on the first day of my cycle, and they would prepare me for transfer. A week later, I got my period, and made the decision to call and get the ball rolling on transfer. We elected to transfer two embryos on our first shot. Go big or go home, right? Ok. Here we go. So now, I am inserting Estrogen tabs twice daily in hopes that I could thicken my uterine lining for implantation, I was inserting Progesterone twice daily, as well as injecting (with a 2 inch, 25g needle) Progesterone in Oil intramuscularly...... yes........ into my ass muscles every. damn. night. But I did it. Because I wanted this baby (or babies) more than words could ever express. So with a smile on my face, hope in my heart, and the occasional tear during injections, I freaking did it. Like a boss.  I had an HCG wash done 48 hours prior to transfer, Intralipid infusions via IV, did acupuncture before and after the procedure, went Keto leading up to IVF. Everything they told me to do.
TRANSFER DAY CAME. Friday, July 13th. Dr. Kiltz transferred our two beautiful babies into my womb, and left the procedure room with a hug, and a "God bless you".  I laid there, completely amazed, in awe of the fact that I had children in my body, created by my husband and I through love, faith, and a little bit of science.....  4 days past my transfer, I caved.  I took a home pregnancy test. And saw a faint line..... a very faint second line. It was there. So I went to the store and bought (literally) 20  more tests. I tested again the following day. The line was darker. And it got darker and darker and darker every day past that until I went in for my Beta draw at the clinic. I knew it would be a positive test, but was praying for an hCG level of at least 150-200, just so I knew it would be high enough, and I could hold onto some hope. 424. My hCG levels came back at 424. Two days later, I went in again for a follow up draw, and they had more than doubled. I was SO EXCITED. That meant that my pregnancy was strong, and progressing. Now to wait for the 5 week scan.  And when it happened, we saw our two babies sacs. BOTH of our embabies had implanted, and were growing like weeds. They looked so beautiful, and so perfect. My heart was ready to EXPLODE. We prayed for a miracle, and God was giving us two.
And then the bleeding started. At first, light pink on my toilet paper after I'd pee. I was told it was normal, and not to panic. The Progesterone inserts can irritate the Cervix, and this can be normal. And then it got a bit heavier, and brighter red. Again, I was told not to panic, unless I was cramping and bleeding through pads. Thursday morning of last week, I had a gush of bright red blood on my underwear. I went right into the clinic and they did an ultrasound. I had a small hematoma, but was told it's common, and again, not to worry. Just take it easy.  3 days later, I was miscarrying my twins, and delivered one, placenta and all, into my hands in the ER hospital room. Moments earlier on ultrasound, one of my babies had a strong, steady heartbeat of 116 bpm. The other heartbeat wasn't detected.  I was 6 weeks pregnant to the day.
The following morning, we went into the fertility clinic for some testing, and confirmation of what had happened. I was still clinging to hope that the one who had the heartbeat was ok, and still in there. Maybe, just maybe, the one I delivered in the ER was the one who didn't have a detectable heartbeat the day before...... but I was wrong. Only one gestational sac was seen, and it was "abnormal". No heartbeat. My hCG had gone from 16,000 to 5,000 overnight. I lost both of my miracles. I was offered a D&C, and told that if I did one, I would "be able to jump into another round of IVF much quicker". But I just couldn't. I chose to go home, and pass my baby privately, by myself. Which happened this morning. I feel nothing but empty and cold inside.
I never thought I would be setting up cremation arrangements for my children. But that's what I am doing today. I refuse to allow a lab to destroy their tiny remains. I want them home with me.
Will we try again? Yes.  We still have 5 beautiful little embryo miracles waiting for us. They will not be forgotten, or go to waste. But the pain in my heart right now is raw and unbearable.  So, I guess I am going to use this blog as a way to document my journey, and try to offer some hope to those of you who may be going through something similar.
It is so important to remember that we are never alone.  <3